Think yourself intelligent, here’s your chance to prove it
They say that intelligence is like underwear. It’s important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.
I’m saying that’s rubbish, and I’m giving you the chance to prove it, because if you get these 22 jokes, you will have shown your intelligence is off the charts.
Disclaimer: much head-scratching ahead, followed by many aha moments.
Three logicians walk into a bar. The barman asks: “Three beers?” The first logician says, “I don’t know.” The second logician says, “I don’t know.” The third logician says, “Yes.”
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Logicians work on pure logic. As the barman says three beers, it’s impossible for the first two logicians to know that all want beers, so they answer I don’t know, which confirms to the third logician that they do want beer, allowing him to answer the question by saying yes, I want three beers.
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know and I don’t care.
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To understand this one, simply check the dictionary definitions of ignorance and apathy and it will make perfect sense.
Two hydrogen atoms are walking down the street together, when suddenly one shouts, “Damnit! I lost my electron!”
The other atom asks, “Are you sure?”
“Yes,” it says. “I’m positive!”
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Hydrogen atoms have a neutral charge, so when they lose an electron, they become positive.
Two men walk into a bar. The first man says, “I’ll have some H2O.” The second man says, “I’ll have some H2O, too.” The second man then died.
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Google the compound H2O2, things will make sense…
A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are standing in front of an empty house. They all observe two people walk in, and three people walk out.
The biologist tries to explain the phenomenon by stating, “Well, they must have reproduced.”
The physicist offers a different explanation, “There must have been an error in measurement.”
Then, the mathematician says, “If one more person walks in, then the house will be empty again.”
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Mathematicians work on pure logic. As two people entered, and three people left, the house presently has -1 people in it. As such, if one person enters then there will be no people inside. Hilarious, I know.
Heard about that new band called 1023 MB?
They haven’t had any gigs yet.
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1024 megabytes makes a gigabyte. I’m sure you can work out the rest from there.
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
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If I have to tell you the answer to this joke, you are not reading the question.
A guy in fury says to his friend, “Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.”
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Karl Marx famously hated school, which led him to oppose all class structures.
How do mathematicians scold their children?
By saying, “If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times…”
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Think the following phrase, “I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times”, then do some basic algebra. Make sense now? I hope so.
A photon checks into a hotel. The bellhop asks, “Can I help you with your luggage?” It replies, “I don’t have any. I’m travelling light.”
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A photon is a particle of light. Do the maths. Yep. Good one, right?
A statistician says to his friend, “Did you know a recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.”
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Statisticians work by the law of averages. If you add all humans together, and add up how many testicles there are and how many breasts there are, because men and women will be grouped together, the average will be… I’m sure you can do the maths.
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender shows them the door and says, “Sorry, we don’t serve minors.”
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Played by themselves, each of these notes are not minors, but played together, they form a C-minor chord. Brilliant, I know.
A sign at a music shop reads: “Gone chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
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If I have to tell you the answer to this, you don’t know your Chopin and Bach.
What did the DNA say to the other DNA?
Do these genes make me look fat?
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If you need an explanation on this one, you clearly did not listen in science class.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveller walks into a bar.
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Think about the way time travel works. Yep. You got it.
“God, how long is a million years?”
“To me, it’s about a minute.”
“God, how much is a million dollars?”
“To me, it’s a penny.”
“God, may I have a penny?”
“Wait a minute.”
Heisenberg and Schrödinger are driving together, but they get stopped by a police officer, who says, “Did you know you were driving at 75 mph?”
Heisenberg sighs, “Oh great, now we’re lost.”
The officer is unhappy and checks the car’s trunk, after which he says, “Why is there a dead cat in here?”
Schrödinger grumbles, “Well, there is NOW!”
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Check out Heisenberg and Schrödinger’s famous equations. It will make sense then.
Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.”
The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”
Did you know that the laws of gambling are the same as the laws of thermodynamics:
First Law of Thermodynamics: “You can’t win.”
Second Law of Thermodynamics: “You can’t break even.”
Third Law of Thermodynamics: “You can’t stop playing.”
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These are an absolute reductionist explanation of the real laws of thermodynamics, which are, number one: energy can’t be created or destroyed; number two, things tend to move from order to disorder; and number three, the lower the temperature drops, the less disorderly things become. I’m sure you can make the relation to gambling.
A Higgs Boson walks into a church. The priest says, “We don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here.” The Higgs Boson says, “But without me how can you have mass?”
How do you prove that Higgs Bosons are Catholic?
They spend their entire existence giving mass.
I’ll finish with this one:
What’s the most frustrating thing for an intelligent person when they are watching modern TV?
No matter how much they turn up the brightness knob, the shows still get dumber.
